Domestic abuse: Why doesn't she leave?

Domestic violence is a form of oppression that occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Acts of violence are usually repeated and intensify over time and may range from subtle forms of abuse and control -- such as name calling, monitoring phone calls and restricting access to family, friends and money -- to severe beating and even murder.

Many wonder why a woman would stay in a marriage that is abusive. They think it must be a failing on the part of the woman. “Didn't she know better?” they will say when it is too late, or “she should have left him!” The judgment and recrimination are abounding, but the reality is no one expects abuse when they enter into marriage. She, like everyone else, expected love, respect, understanding, joy and happiness when she got married.

She didn't expect that the person she was planning to spend the rest of her life with would one day want to throw a chair at her. She didn't think he would falsely accuse her of cheating, call her every ugly name in the book or spit at her. She never knew that the slapping, kicking and punching -- until she lost consciousness -- would come later.

On the day of the nikah (marriage ceremony) when the imam asked her if she was entering into the marriage willingly, thoughts of mistreatment and humiliation were far from her mind. She was nervous on her wedding day, but after years of abuse she is petrified. She feels humiliated, ugly, weak, stupid, unworthy, unlovable, angry, distrustful and used. She stands alone before the mirror looking at the latest bruises on her face wondering how much more can she take. Who will help her? Where can she go? Is she destined to continue living this life of fear and degradation until she dies? Should she be patient and endure this man-made hell?

There could be any number of reasons she doesn't tell anyone about what he does to her. Maybe she thinks it's her fault. Maybe she's not submissive enough. Not obedient enough. She shouldn't provoke him like she does. He tells her to stop nagging him, doesn't he? She should listen more closely.

And besides, domestic violence never happens to someone like her, to people like them. They have a nice house in a good neighborhood. They have friends, but how could even their closest confidants understand? How would she explain it to her family? She would be disgraced. It's probably not that serious. All couples fight, don't they? Besides, as a Muslim woman, isn't it her duty to maintain the peace and to be patient in times of hardship?

There is a myth that only “non-practicing” Muslims abuse their wives. However, the reality is that anyone including persons of status in the community can be abusive behind closed doors. Sometimes it is their power and status that allows them to get away with it because victims believe that no one will believe them.

Abusers and their victims come from all walks of life and every sort of background. Keilani Abdullah in his article, A Peaceful Ideal, Violent Realities: A Study on Muslim Female Domestic Violence Survivors, recognizes that it occurs in both “practicing” Muslim families and in those that may not appear as religious, wealthy or poor, educated or uneducated and even in families that are viewed by the community as being “model” families.

In his farewell address, the Prophet, may peace and blessings be upon him, urged men to be good to their women. There is no excuse for domestic abuse. It must be stopped. You can protect yourself and help your loved ones by learning to identify the signs of domestic abuse.

The Neighbours Friends and Families campaign aims to raise awareness among Ottawa Muslims of the signs of woman abuse so that people who are close to an at-risk woman or abusive man can help. November is Woman Abuse Prevention Month. Get involved! Join us at the launch of NFF campaign on Nov. 24 at 6:30 pm at Ridgemont High School. For more information or to reserve your seat, contact Shawana Shah, NFF Project Coordinator at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or (613) 784-0064 or register online at nff.eventbrite.com